UNDER.CONSTRUCTION.

Why is it that when you finally get what you want, you get confused if it what you really needed in the first place?
Im sure this cant be normal for for everyone, right?
I mean when you decide you want something, you go for it, and you get it or you dont…. So now that I have it, or a form of it anyways, why does it feel all wrong?
I guess i should have expected this, really i mean i should have because ive done it before, but so much about it was and seemed different. Different timing, feeling, just everything felt new and easy in the best way possible, but what if easy in this case only means that its to good to be true? Or that its wrong?
I’ve committed myself to this person and there was no going back on it, or was there?
If I took back everything i said and did what would that do to them? No good, I suspect. Maybe my ex was right, im just dramatic for no ones good. Why do i have commitment issues when im not even “tied down” yet?
I fear that I dont actually want what I think I want. Im still such a mess because i cant do anything right, even when i believe things have gotten better.
This is all wrong and I dont know how to make it right and worse of all i dont want to hurt them but the reality is that I could be leaving in a few months anyways, directing myself on the plan God really has for me, if i didnt majorly skrew the timing on spilling my feelings when i knew i shouldnt have. Was this the consequence or reguardless was this the road i was going to be on. Just if i didnt spill my feelings, i wouldnt have someone waiting for me when i come home?

These past few weeks have been quite a wirlwind for my love life. For the past 4 years, it has always been a complicated, Dramatic, mess of a situation but this one is different! Much different, in almost everyway. Of course though, it does have similarities but even those are ones that i know i can get through.
Ive seriously fallen hard for him and i want to scream it from the roof tops but i cant. Which sucks but at the same time i like the feeling of this little secret. I dont prefere or recommend secrets and maybe that was a bad choice of words really on my part but i get overjoyed at the feeling that i have this amazing guy, who makes me unbelievabley happy and that i can keep it to myself and just know whats between us is there and real reguardless of who knows. And i also like the fact that its the only part of my life where no one can put there two cents in and give an opinion because they dont know.
I mean in retrospect, were not “official” and not in a like “omgosh im in love with him and he wont ask me out” kind of creepy unofficial but were taking the time to really get to know one another and figure things out because its not exactly your sterotypical relationship or beginning of one.
Lets just say theres an age difference and at the age he and i am at, even though nothing physical, inappropriate or illegal is going on, everyone, including my parents and sibilings thinks it looks bad.
Im what you call an obvious person, or one who wears their emotions on their sleeves, so my family knows i like this person and they know we chat. They’ve all given me their opinion on the situation and have told me that we must stay friend and/or what the females of my family love to tell me is that im “inappropriate” and i can respect that opinion but at the same time they arent listening or trusting me when im saying nothing inappropriate is or will ever go on or happen.
I respect their worries because of my past relationships. I dont exactly have the cleanest slate and thats something im not proud of but also something i dont pretend didnt happen, because it did and i cant change it. All i can do is take the lessons ive learned coming out of it and not make the same mistakes and become stronger. God has forgiven me, and in the end His opinion of me and His forgiveness is all i need.
With all that being said i just wish they would have a little more faith in me and my decisions. Ive been in a growing period of life and one with many situations that ive had to deal with because of myself being on the fence you could say, so their opinions said and respected by me and fully heard and understood, i just need more trust in this situation because its so different.
Im only human so of course i could be wrong with what ill say next, and i pray that Gods plan will be done in all of this, but i think in time, he could be the one. It would be a long time to come for all of that and even a few years of being in this season where both of us take the time to grow as individuals and in our relationship with God before anything becomes official but im willing to wait, and learn the endurace of patience needed for something not just great but a once in a life time kind of thing to happen. Im willing to follow God through ever step of this process, no matter where it takes both of us. Even if its not together in the end i know that only means we’ll be happier where God put us and i know ill still have him as a life long friend, at the very least.
You always hope your not wrong, but even when your wrong something amazing can come out of it, if you just keep your focus on true love, it will never fail. God never fails because He is true love!
I have a great peace that comes over me though when i think or “talk” about it that im not wrong though, and that alone gives be a joy that can only come from God!

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance……
Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-7 & 13 (NLT)

And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.

-1 Thessalonians 5:15

A good way to start each morning, im now learning, is to fill it with Gods word and joy. He is the one that brings peace into our lives, so its our job to go searching for that peace, joy and wisdom everyday, all day! He brings us no harm and is always there to lend a helping hand but we have to want it and not question it when we ask. That is what using our faith is all about!

for my birthday i received a book called New Day, New You by Joyce Myers. Its amazing. Its little nuggets of gold for each day that you can use and reflect upon. It helps you through out your day and throughout your life really. Its amazing and i recommend it to anyone who is looking to get closer to God, and find a way to bring joy to your day. 

im not sure but i just feel so much better then i did yesterday and all the credit goes to God!

today was a tough day.

i really had no idea what to expect out of it but i’m feeling much better then i did earlier.

my relationship status is complicated but not your normal complicated like the guys a douche but i still love him, or were in a fight for the day so its complicated. its like both our families are not for the idea of us dating yet because there younger then i am. we both completely understand that and want to do whats best so we decided awhile ago we wouldn’t date yet, but my family doesn’t care about that and just insists on shoving the age difference down my throat and loves to make me feel bad by saying i’m being inappropriate. 

as normal my sisters and mother were the ones to start making it a bigger deal then need be and made me feel awful. my younger sister would and still makes rude remarks and just saying “i’m wrong” at least ten times a day, to feel like she is getting her point across. my older sister doesn’t really want to talk about it and if i bring anything up she does her best to through in “i’m inappropriate” and then ignores me.

being used to this kind of reaction and treatment from them, it still hurt but i guess i was becoming numb or really just used to it. what really hurt was this morning when my dad, out of nowhere, when i woke up decided to let me know that he agreed with my mother and everyone else and that i should only be friends with this person and keep  my distance because he doesn’t want people talking about me. and by me he means “your mother and I dont want people at church to be talking about us in a negative way because that is shameful and embarassing and its all your fault.” 

really though its what they mean. i feel like my family is stuck in the 1940s where no one can no your business of the the world is over and we have to go into hiding and move towns or something. its ridiculous!

either way after that comment i basically had to hold back the tears and walk away because i wanted to instantly fall into a ball and cry my eyes out for hours because i can never do anything right in my families eyes. 

and the worst part is there is no one to talk to about it because i lack friends in general but the ones i do “have” are my family and my brothers girlfriend so you can see how that favor will go, considering they will be engaged at any second. 

eventually the house became empty though, everyone gone, off doing there own thing, with there own friends and i was left alone by myself, again. but that im used to and because of all the comments i was actually happy to get a moment by myself.

well that moment lasted for about ten minutes until my older sister came home. yeah short lived. so i acted causal and then eventually went to my room, shut the door and just decided that i would take this oppurtunity to get and find an answer from God. 

i spent hours reading the bible and worshiping alone and i really felt broken. like really broken in His presence for the first time in a really long time. it was exhausting but in a good way. after that i had a urge to run the aggression still left from the comments and opnions off. so i ran for maybe 15 minutes because it was past 9pm and my street was dark and creepy and that was not going down. haha. 

either way then i came home, finally talked to my person, got them to be settled down from the whole situation of me having a minor break down. and ate ice cream. 

its been a long exhausting day but what ive learned from it so far is that i need to trust in Him. He has me and my person in the palm of His hands and He gonna make it all better in the perfect timing. So i have to stop worrying and stop trying to control my situation because there is nothing i can do about it. 

ive always believed that “Everything happens for a reason” and i know that me and my person have happend for a reason, in this timing, and even though it will be a while til anything official happens, God is trying to teach us Patience through out this trail. which is something ive always needed.

it might sound crazy but i just have this gut feeling that this person is the one. and it might be years before anything happens but i’m excited for the wait and for when it can happen and everything that we’ll have to endure because in the end we’ll have a God centered relationship that was built with Him as our foundation along with years of friendship and learned patience.

rebuilding my faith is what i need to work on the most though for this all to go accroding to His plan, not mine.

i am like any other teenager in America trying to figure out their place in life. i wont be a teenager much longer but still, its just an awkward time to not know what to do at all with your whole life. 

basically to sum up my life at this point is….. a mess. 

i graduated high school in 2011 and since then things haven’t gotten better. after high school your life is supposed to begin and you are able to make a fresh start and go to college, re-invent yourself, whatever you want to do! you gain responsibilities but you also gain freedom! oh precious freedom… 

freedom is something i DONT have. 

no I’m not a slave, or trapped…well not in a creepy kidnapping kind of way at least. my life is not the worst of the worst or really even close but it is not one people would choose to have. trust me. 

either way i don’t have freedom, i can barely think for myself because if and when i have its like i became Hitler and killed all the Jews. bad example but you’ll get my point. 

I’m 19 years old. i have epilepsy, which is seizures for those who don’t know. (you’d be surprised at how many confuse epilepsy and narcolepsy) i live in a family where I’m the easiest target for everyone’s anger and aggression, non abusive, at least physically. i cant drive. which means i cant go to college because i cant get there and i cant afford to dorm. i have/had a job, which I’m currently on a leave of absence for, because my family doesn’t want to drive and pick me up and honestly I’m not wasting the hours it would take to use public transportation from the south towns to the midtown’s where the mall is located. i have many irrational fears and have become socially awkward since my first and only serious relationship that ended back in 2009, I’m on anxiety medication because i cant handle many situations dealing with human beings. 

i’ve spent the majority of the last two months inside my (parents) house with my four cats and little sister, while shes on her summer vacation, doing nothing at all besides sleeping, watching tv, and playing app games i have on my iPhone. i do nothing. if i go outside of the house its been for countless doctors appointments with either my therapist, pediatrician (which is basically just for med. checks and to make sure I’m not depressed enough to kill myself, because everyone automatically assumes you will if you don’t have anything to do with your life) and my neurologist. I recently just started getting myself re acclimated to going back to church on Sundays and then Wednesdays for youth services, which I’m leader for, not a student. my family doesn’t trust me or really want anything to do with me. like i said before i can’t do anything right according to my family. all my decisions are stupid, irresponsible, and careless. my mother constantly worries about me and my older and younger sister think i’m stupid and disgusting. my brother is never around because he is always with his girlfriend and her family and my dad doesn’t say much. when he does its because i did something to piss him off. there for giving my sisters and mother more reason to hate my presence in the house because i always just make things worse. at least that is how i feel when i see everyones face drop to a scrunched up grinch face when i enter the room. 

the thing is though my life wasn’t always this meaningless, boring and dull. its always been a bit dramatic , not by chose regardless of what you’ll think, but i actually used to have fun and was able to go out with friends (that i no longer have) and have a good time and meet guys and just be “normal”. I was never one for going with the crowd and doing everything my friends did by any means but i was still able to hang out with people who believed in different things then i was raised to believe in and be able to stick to it and hold my ground and still have fun. 

it makes me so mad to think that in four years i could loose that person and be someone i never thought i could be. nothing. 

so who am i you ask?

i am under construction!

i am going to take my life now day by day and figure out who i am. who God wants me to be. and try with all of my strength to stop worrying about my past and what everyone around me (the people i cant get rid of no matter how hard i try to ignore them) thinks of me and what i do. 

I’m officially done being everyone else’s expectation of me. 

i will find me. the real me. 

i just don’t know how yet…